Ambivalency

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Ambivalency

The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action. Am I sane, or am I crazy? These are not courses of action, but they can be….for some.

I went to bed at 5:00 AM this morning after finishing my Theology paper and taking a shower. I braided my sopping dark hair into a long rope, popped my retainers in, and crawled between the sheets for a comfortable 3 hours before my class.

To be honest, I’m doing okay today! I don’t think it has hit me yet, but the closer midnight gets, the more appealing bedtime sounds. This weekend will be full of work; tomorrow I’m getting up to go to the gym (I haven’t exercised in around a week, and the lethargic feeling of physical stagnancy is settling into the far reaches of my body…it’s time for a run.) After that, breakfast, and essays. Three to be exact. But it’ll all be over come Monday morning! Well, most of it that is. I have a piano recital on Wednesday night that I’m not particularly looking forward to. I just talked to my mom about it, and she told me that I’m probably more prepared than I think I am (which is true,)

I move out of this city in 5 days. The drive home will be taking me back over to Eastern Washington (a place I visited for the first time last week, and fell in love with.) From there, a quick cut across Idaho, through Montana, down into Wyoming, dropping us straight into the mountainy arms of Colorado’s embrace. A little part of me is already sad though, a part that I suspect to grow before Thursday afternoon. I don’t know why I’m holding this thought, but the idea of me not living in Seattle makes the "active world" feel so distant. Will I be prepared to live a quiet summer of isolation in the mountains, after 9 months of this bustling metropolis of cross dressers and tattooed baristas? We’ll see.

Anyway, I liked my outfit today. It was simple. My roommate is gone most of the night, which means I ended up chilling out in my bra and underwear, watching Netflix. Naturally silly self-portraits were in order.

My friends, there is a bit of me that is worried. It’s questioning the authenticity of my feelings on a matter that I once felt very strongly for. I hope my passion is not running thin; it’s my passion that has gotten me to the good place that I’m at right now.

I’ll be 19 soon. Even with all this experience, this pain, life, and knowledge under my belt, I’m still considered the youngin’ in a circle of friends. Something doesn’t seem right about that.

Goodnight. More pictures will be up soon. Thank you for reading, watching, and listening.

Posted by Tuaney on 2012-06-02 03:44:39

Tagged: , diptych , cross , process , shoulder , blade , woman , mexican , dark , colors , v , neck , hipster , clothing , silver , ring , fingers , look , side , profile

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